Logging Off with Merlot
From red carpets to survival jobs, life for this multi-hyphenate is a balancing act!
Welcome back to LOGGING OFF! A column where I publish interviews about living a life offline in a world that refuses to power down. Featuring real conversations with people who’ve actually managed to do it, folks flirting with the idea of doing it, and the chronically online who would never even consider it.
So far I’ve interviewed actor John McCrea, drag artist Miss Ma’amShe, and content creator Kitty Lever. For my fourth installment I sat down with the mononymous downtown multi-phyphenate, Merlot, to talk about transitioning in the public eye and how not everything is as it appears.
If there’s one universal truth about being extremely online in 2025, it’s that perception is currency—and Merlot knows the exchange rate intimately. One minute she’s walking NYFW, debuting a magazine cover, and hosting the premiere of Julia Fox’s music video. The next, she’s behind the bar at her survival job hoping to make enough tips to cover next month’s rent. For Merlot, being a New Yorker is a delicate balance of performance and real life.
You can catch her as Mandy in Alexi Wasser’s film Messy, as Lindsay in Taylor Ghirst’s Dangling Carrot, or—if you’re lucky enough to make it onto her close friends list—you can nab a table at whatever New York hotspot she’s currently commanding as maître d’. Here’s what the 30-year-old Leo had to say about coming of age on the internet in one of the toughest cities on the planet.
You wear so many hats! Model, musician, actor, service industry worker… Do those identities feel in harmony, or in conflict?
Sometimes there’s a disconnect. But I do I think there is a lot of harmony, which comes into play when I’m able to make creative friends in service industry spaces. Whether that be with regulars or other staff who also wear multiple hats. I’ve stepped into opportunities that I probably wouldn’t have gotten had I not been someone’s server or co-worker. Restaurants have no shortage of hopefuls coming through the doors. But it can be a little alienating when I’m trying to remain anonymous and just do my job, and a VIP I met at an industry event comes through. It can feel like a wall goes up when they meet me as an actor, model, or musician one night and then see me as a restaurant worker the next. It sometimes gets awkward when those wires cross. There are people I know… I’m not going to name them! *laughter* People with the power to change my life by casting me in one of their projects or simply speaking my name in certain rooms, who don’t see me outside of someone who can get them a last-minute reservation.
Fuck’em! What’s your relationship to the idea of “success” right now? Is it external validation or internal peace?
A bit of both. I’d be naive to say that it’s not external in the line of work I want to do. I catch myself really wanting to delete social media and go off the grid for a little while, but that probably wouldn’t bode well as an aspiring actor… so I keep it. I want to be cast in something major. Which requires the external validation of someone picking me for the job. But I also don’t want to take any roles that wouldn’t fulfill me creatively. And that’s where my inner peace is taken into account.
Do you think audiences expect creators to always appear “booked and busy”?
Absolutely. I have this inside joke with my friend that we call being “gay guy busy” in New York. And I stay “gay guy busy.” *laughter* This city promotes a feeling of constantly having to prove you’re doing something by performing the task online. Even if it’s not, like, real errands or real chores or even real work. To be “gay guy busy” you always have to be somewhere to be seen.
What do you think that is?
People will stop reaching out the moment you’re missing from the scene because they forget about you. That’s just the nature of the city. I mean, obviously I have core groups of close friends who I rely on for important emotional upkeep, but as far as, like, networking goes? If you want to stay top of mind for opportunities, you need to show up. I even go to things I don’t care about, just to be seen. I would go to the opening of an envelope. And I have! *laughter*
How do you balance the pressure to appear successful with the reality of needing to make rent in New York? Most musicians and actors never want to show the struggle. Just the glitz.
To be candid, it’s something I wrestle with a lot. Because the truth is I absolutely contribute to the smoke and mirrors and constantly feel the pressure to appear part of a higher tax bracket than I actually am. And I thankfully… actually, wait… thankfully? *laughter* I don’t know! See?! *laughter* Whether I’m thankful for it or not, I have found ways to appear better off than I am. A lot of people think I have way more money than I do, even if they know I’m working at restaurants or whatever. People assume I’m making $400 a night in tips and paying for my lifestyle that way, but that’s so far off from the truth. I pull clothing I could never afford from showrooms to go to events that serve food and drinks for free. I’m getting designer handbags on loan. Things like that. What I’m posting doesn’t always reflect the reality of the financial situation.
And what would you say the reality is?
Here’s a memorable story for you… In 2019 I had just released my second song and it was doing well. I had an audience in Brazil and it was the year New York hosted WorldPride, so there were attendees from all over the world. I had these Brazilian fans come up to me and they wouldn’t let go of my arm. Security for the event had to jump in because they were so obsessed and, like, wouldn’t leave me alone. They were about to cry. It was intense. Meanwhile I didn’t have enough money to buy a drink at the bar. Earlier that day I had to beg the promoter for drink tickets and had worked a shift at a coffee shop that morning.
You’ve got two feet in separate realities simultaneously it seems.
Always. I was at Singers the other night doing a talk back for a screening of the documentaryThe Queen, and there was a magazine I’m on the cover of… POP STAR B*TCH ZINE. In print! And I have a six page spread inside. Very glam! But when I tried to use my Apple Pay for a couple of drinks my card was declined. Not so glam… *laughter* So there I was, with my gucci bag, switching between cards in my Apple wallet until one of them would work, during which someone came up and asked me to autograph their copy of the magazine I’m in. And then the next night I’m back at my survival job hoping I make enough tips to pay off those drinks. The world has a sense of humor, but those things can make you feel a little crazy sometimes.
Does working a day job ever give you creative perspective or just exhaustion?
If I was president, I would mandate that everyone, no matter what tax bracket they’re in, work in the service industry for a minimum of six months. My version of an army requirement. Everyone needs to learn how to deal with people. It would make them all better customers. But to answer your question… it’s exhausting. Sure, I could do a character study in the kitchen for a potential acting job, but working service doesn’t exactly get my creative juices flowing. If anything it’s depleting them. But I still think everyone should do it. It’s grounding and teaches a lot of valuable lessons.
Have you ever had someone recognize you at work?
Oh absolutely. But I’ve been in New York for 10 years. That just happens after a certain point. When you’re out and about and go to everything and meet everyone people just start to know you. I’ve racked up so many intros at this point that I’m constantly forgetting who I’ve met. And I hate that because I know it comes off as rude, but I’ve had so many moments where I’ll be in a flow state, and someone will come up and either say they recognize me from the internet or tell me we had met at a party before, and when that happens I’ll feel hyper visible. But I’m not walking around on a high horse, or anything. The vibe just shifts a bit.
How do you decide what version of yourself to present online? The working artist, the restaurant worker, the human in between…
To put it plainly, the art… I’m talking the creative stuff, the modeling… that’s for the grid. The rest goes on stories and close friends. I’ll often ask people to come visit me at work if it’s a slow night because it’s raining. But the grid is reserved for the greatest work. The accolades. The press.
What’s something about your life that people would never guess from your social media presence?
I mean, I sort of said this earlier, but probably how much money I have. Because I’m always out and about, and for the typical person that costs money! But when I’m invited it’s usually not on my dime. Every time I go to a party, that’s one less dinner I have to pay for. It’s the illusion of bar tabs. *laughter* That’s the other perk of working in the service industry. You get close to colleagues who wind up working at different bars and restaurants all across the city. I could list off 10 places right now where I could probably rack up at least $100 in bar charges before they actually run my card. And then there’s the doll treatment. The gay bars are always a sweet deal. And then, like, the Black doll treatment on top of that? I’m covered.
You know how to use your social currency!
It’s a give and take. I return the favor whenever possible. There are some people who come through places I’ve worked and I’m slipping them whatever I can, depending on, you know, what kind of night we’re having.
You’ve existed online both pre- and post-transition. What’s it like knowing your past self still lives somewhere on the internet?
I don’t feel divorced from it. I made the conscious decision not to delete everything from my Instagram. I archived a lot of it. But the truth is I had such great press at the time! It’s important to remember too, that in 2016, 17, 18… being a light skinned, freckled, non binary person with a blonde pixie cut was the thing. *laughter* There was Ugly Worldwide, Slick Woods, and so many other people with a similar look always in the casting rooms together. I was getting more work then than I even am right now. And I’m proud of those bookings. I also leave them because it’s all linked to success and helps with jobs. It shows that I’ve been garnering press even pre-transition.
Do you feel ownership over your digital past, or does it feel like a stranger you’ve inherited?
It’s weird to look back sometimes. But the only time it gives me pause is when it comes to meeting potential suitors. Specifically straight men. I’m like ‘Oh my God, if you scroll down far enough it’s me with a hairy chest, not what I’ve got going on now.’ Sometimes they don’t mind. Other times I can tell that it’s weird for them to be acquainted with that side of me when I’ve spent this much time and money on a completely new version of myself. It can be a little daunting. But I take ownership. I also don’t want to date someone that would like be revolted by my past. I’m proud of my gender journey. It’s part of my story and I wouldn’t be who I am today without the photoshoots along the way. I didn’t start my transition until I was 25 or 26. A majority of my life was spent not this way. It feels like a lifetime ago, but it’d be crazy to scrub it. It’s like looking at your high school yearbook or something.
How has your audience evolved alongside your transition? Did anyone surprise you in how they reacted?
I was already so genderqueer that there weren’t any followers who needed to be weeded out. *laughter*